ADHD and perfectionism: why ‘good enough’ can feel so difficult
Perfectionism and ADHD can be closely connected, although it doesn't always look the way we expect.
In our ADHD relaxation community group, perfectionism was the focus of our conversation this month and it turned out everyone had experienced it in one form or another.
For some, it meant pushing themselves until the point of exhaustion to meet an impossibly high standard. For others, it meant avoiding something altogether because they were worried they wouldn’t meet that standard.
And sometimes, perfectionism looked like something else, imposter syndrome.
So, let’s look at what might be going on.
Why might ADHDers be prone to perfectionism?
In my experience, there can be a relationship between ADHD, perfectionism and years of feeling that we’re not meeting neurotypical expectations.
If we’ve repeatedly experienced negative reactions to the way we do things, particularly when we were young, we can learn to compensate by trying harder, doing more and aiming higher.
The thinking may be:
If I do this really well, I won’t get criticised.
If I ensure I don’t make a mistake, nobody will be disappointed.
If I can just get everything right, perhaps I’ll finally feel like I’m good enough and I can relax.
For some people, sensitivity to rejection can make this even more intense. We may push ourselves far beyond our actual capacity in an attempt to avoid judgement or rejection.
The result can be exhaustion, burnout, or a growing sense that we’re disconnected from what we actually need, want or value.
‘I’m not sure perfectionism applies to me…’
For some people, the word perfectionism simply doesn’t resonate.
Perhaps you regularly miss details. Perhaps you check and re-check emails but there are still mistakes.
Perhaps you tell yourself you ‘can’t be bothered’. But when you look a little deeper, you recognise that not trying too hard protects you from having to find out what happens if you try really hard and still don’t succeed.
Perhaps you don’t get started at all.
That can be perfectionism too.
When the standard feels impossible to meet, the easiest way to avoid the possibility of failing is not to start.
Imposter syndrome can also be closely linked to perfectionism. Feeling that you’re never good enough can make it very difficult to recognise what you are capable of.
Instead of measuring yourself against your own progress, you’re measuring yourself against an imagined version of perfect, and inevitably finding yourself lacking.
So how do we start to shift perfectionism?
The answer isn’t necessarily to stop caring or to adopt lower standards in everything we do.
It’s about becoming more flexible about what is actually required in a particular situation.
Flexible thinking can be difficult, particularly when we’re used to seeing things as right or wrong, success or failure, done or not done.
So, when you notice yourself getting caught up in perfectionism, try asking:
What exactly am I expecting of myself?
Would I expect this from someone else doing the same thing?
What would ‘good enough’ look like here?
What do I genuinely believe people will think if I do the good-enough version?
Is it better to do some of this than nothing at all?
What is my actual capacity right now?
Have I left any room for rest and recovery, or am I waiting until everything is finished before I allow myself to stop?
That last question is particularly important.
If you’re constantly postponing rest until you’ve done everything perfectly, you may never actually reach the point where you’re allowed to rest. AND THAT IS EXHAUSTING.
Try the imperfect version
Sometimes, the most useful question is simply:
What does good enough look like in this situation?
If you need to submit a report, perhaps the goal isn’t to include every detail with perfect grammar.
An alternative might be to spend 20 minutes writing down the essential points.
If you want to tidy the house, perhaps you don’t need to do every room.
You could clear one surface that’s really bothering you and bask in the feeling of accomplishment (you’re more likely to feel spurred on to do more).
If you need to send an email, perhaps it doesn’t have to be perfectly worded.
Why not simply aim to communicate what you need to say?
Doing something imperfectly, is still progress towards your goal. And it allows you to discover what happens when you stop waiting for the conditions to be perfect.
Often, what you discover is that the negative consequences or reactions you were anticipating, never happen, and perhaps you may even allow yourself to notice that experience was less stressful and less overwhelming.
And once you’ve done the imperfect thing…
This can be a hard lesson to learn, but there really is no such thing as perfect.
So, from time to time, you will fall short of the standard you had hoped to reach.
What matters then is how you measure yourself.
Instead of measuring yourself against what might have happened if you’d had more time, more energy, more knowledge, try measuring yourself against what you actually did.
Did you have a go?
Did you make progress?
Did you do something that was difficult for you?
Did you work with the capacity you actually had?
That gives you a much more balanced view of how far you’ve come, what you’re capable of and the strengths you bring.
You probably don’t expect the people you care about to be perfect. You appreciate their efforts, their struggles and the fact that they’re human.
You deserve the same compassion.
The relief of good enough
It’s not easy to shift a pattern of perfectionism, particularly if it has helped you feel safe, successful or accepted in the past.
But it’s worth doing the work, because therein lies the road to less stress, less exhaustion and consequently, more of what’s right for you.
Because good enough really can be good enough.
We don’t need to be perfect. We need to be ourselves, look after our capacity, and make space for the things that genuinely matter to us.
If you’re struggling with ADHD challenges and want to meet others who understand how it feels, join my free monthly ADHD relaxation community group.