ADHD and saying no: how to stop overcommitting

If your diary regularly ends up far busier than you intended, saying yes too quickly may be part of the problem.

There are numerous reasons why ADHDers can be prone to ‘diary overwhelm’. We can get swept up in the excitement of an invitation, struggle to picture how we’ll feel in the future, underestimate how much time things will take, or simply find it hard to disappoint people.

The good news is that you don’t necessarily need to get better at saying no on the spot. You can get better at not saying yes on the spot.

Creating a pause between being asked and giving an answer can make a huge difference. Here are issues that frequently come up and what can help.

1/ The issue: the impulsive yes

As ADHDers we’re often quick to react. This can be a huge asset but not when we find an unexpected invitation or request coming our way.

The intensity of someone else’s excitement or our own can lead to a hasty yes that we go on to regret.

Similarly a request for help can be hard to resist even if it’ll leave us feeling depleted.

Try this: Have a stock phrase at the ready. Something like:

‘That sounds good in theory, can I get back to you?’

This gives you time to check in with yourself without the pressure of the other person and if necessary, follow up with a polite no thank you.

2/The issue: Difficulty knowing how you’ll feel in the future.

We’ve all heard the shorthand that with ADHD, time can feel like ‘now or not now’. We may know what we want now, but if someone asks whether we want to do something in three weeks’ time, that can be a different story.

It can be really hard to imagine whether we’ll have the inclination, energy or capacity later on.

Try this: Ask yourself:

‘Would I want to do this today or in the next few days?’

If your immediate reaction is ‘absolutely not’, pause and consider why. Is it the activity itself? The people involved? Are you exhausted or overloaded right now?

It doesn’t necessarily mean you should say no, but it gives you useful information before you commit.

3/ The issue: time blindness

If you frequently try to fit in ‘just one more thing’, or you’re often rushing or running late, then your relationship with time could be adding strain to your diary.

Rushing can be a sign that we’re underestimating how much time we need. And the appointment itself isn’t the only thing that takes time. We also need to account for getting ready, travelling, winding down and transitioning into whatever comes next.

Task-switching and transitions can be particularly difficult for some people with ADHD.

Try this: Start building a realistic picture of how long it takes you to transition from one thing and be fully present in the next.

If you know you’re usually rushing from one commitment to another, experiment with giving yourself significantly more time between them.

And schedule white space into your diary for rest and transitions. Yes, actually put it in your diary as an appointment.

4/ The issue: wanting to do it all

Prioritisation relies heavily on executive functioning, an area that can be challenging with ADHD.

We can have a tendency to respond to whatever is directly in front of us, while losing sight of the people, goals and values that matter to us over the longer term.

But there are only so many hours in the day and we only have a certain amount of capacity. We cannot possibly do everything.

So how do we decide what deserves our time?

Try this: Think about the main people and most meaningful priorities in your life right now and write them down.

Keep the lists short – perhaps a maximum of 5 people and 3 other priorities, such as health, family, fun, rest, work or money.

Then check the list when you’re considering a new commitment.

Does this line up with what’s most important to you?

And if you say yes to this, what are you potentially saying no to?

5/ The issue: prioritising other people’s comfort

I’ve heard numerous ADHDers tell me they’d rather experience discomfort themselves than risk causing discomfort to somebody else.

That can be a generous choice when it’s intentional and infrequent. The problem is when it happens by default.

Repeatedly agreeing to things at your own expense can leave you overstretched, resentful and depleted.

Try this: Whenever you get the urge to say yes to someone else at the expense of yourself, ask:

‘What will saying yes cost me?’

Because there will usually be a cost.

Perhaps you’ll be grumpy with your family afterwards. Maybe you’ll be late for another appointment. Perhaps you’ll spend your limited free time with someone you barely know instead of a family member who needs you, a friend who makes you feel good, or simply getting the rest you need.

That doesn’t mean the answer always has to be no. It means the decision becomes intentional.

Evaluate the cost against the benefit, then decide.

6/ The issue: Not knowing how to say no

Saying no and risking disappointing someone can be uncomfortable and even fear-inducing.

Yet saying no is a necessary part of developing and maintaining deeper, more balanced relationships.

If we continually make ourselves appear more agreeable or easygoing than we really are, we risk creating relationships in which our actual needs and limits aren’t visible.

The good news is that it’s possible to be kind and considerate while still saying no.

The temptation can be to overthink and then over-explain. But lengthy explanations can sometimes invite more discussion, judgement or negotiation than a short, warm answer.

Try this: If you have an obvious diary conflict, say so.

If it’s simply that you’ve realised you don’t want to go (valid) or that you need some rest between other commitments (also valid!) you don’t need to provide a detailed justification.

A simple:

‘Thanks for inviting me, I really appreciate it, but I’ve realised I’ve got too much on at the moment.’

…is enough.

What if you’ve already said yes?

Creating a pause before responding to requests and invitations is one of the best ways to avoid overcommitting.

But sometimes we get caught off-guard. The invitation sounds great, someone needs our help, enthusiasm takes over and the yes is out of our mouth before we’ve really thought about it.

So what happens when you realise you’ve made the wrong decision?

Deal with it sooner rather than later. It’s usually better for everyone involved.

Keep it short and kind, and try to separate your relationship with the person from the event itself. Saying no to an event doesn’t mean you’re saying no to the person.

Try this:

‘I’m really sorry. I’ve realised that when I said yes to X, I hadn’t taken everything into consideration. I’m afraid I won’t be able to come after all. Can we reschedule for another time when I have more capacity?’

The goal isn’t to become really good at saying no.

It’s to become more intentional about what you say yes to.

And sometimes the simplest way to do that is to remember: you don’t have to give an answer straight away.

Have you had issues with diary overwhelm or saying no? If so, drop me a line.